"Go find something to play with." (Yeah, I used to say that too...)

What's up, Papa!

This one is uncomfortable.

And unfortunately — very, very true.

Our children are acting out their environment.

If you have a very challenging child, that child is living in a very challenging environment.

Punishing a child, grounding a child, time-outs, taking things away, disciplining… none of that shit works.

Why?

Because it does not change their environment.

It just adds more stress to an already stressful environment.

In 2023, I did a youth membership facilitator training.

The core principle was simple: connection first.

You cannot enter a child's world and understand what's actually going on with them without it.

I worked with suicidal children. Bullies. Mentally ill, autistic, insecure, and otherwise struggling kids.

The approach I was taught was this: hold a space where they can open up, connect, and actually share what's going on in their lives.

These spaces were held without an expectation for change, but with a deep intention to connect. To alleviate some of the weight these kids were carrying on their shoulders.

It worked. Every time.

Recently, my wife and I started a training with Rachelle Saliga on physiological baby care.

And I had to eat a big, fat humble pie.

Because I was shown something I had learned three years ago, yet was clearly still struggling to apply with my own daughter.

When my daughter acts out, she is looking for connection.

She's looking for someone paying attention. For love. For genuine interest. For play. For someone to simply meet her needs.

One day, I was sitting on the couch writing my first newsletter.

My daughter kept calling out.

Momma. Momma. Momma. Momma.

Momma was sleeping though… and my old default? React. Get annoyed. Get frustrated. Tell her to go find something to play with.

But then it clicked.

All she is looking for right now is connection.

So I called her over. Gave her a big fat hug. Then sent her on a mission: find a specific stuffed animal I knew was buried at the bottom of the pile.

Once she found it, I gave her another mission: find a stuffed animal that didn't even exist.

At first, I thought that was mean. But she had a blast. She felt connected. She felt seen. She felt like I was paying attention.

And the whole time, I was able to write my newsletter in peace.

Seems like a small thing. Felt like a massive win.

So here's the question worth sitting with:

When your child acts out.. are you adding more stress to the environment? Or are you giving them what they're actually asking for?

They're not asking for discipline.

They're asking for you.

How does this land?

I'd genuinely love to know.. how do you navigate your kids when you've got shit to do and need to stay focused?

Hit reply. I read every single one.

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