I made the same mistake for two years straight

What's up, Papa!

Today we're diving into one of my core principles for communicating with my wife.

You know these situations. She's running high on emotions. Life has been a rollercoaster since the first baby arrived. Everything feels just slightly (or dramatically) off balance.

And you, being the capable man you are.. you see a problem that needs fixing.

That's where it gets dangerous.

Let's dive in.

Whenever our wives are emotional.. sharing a concern, a problem, something that's been sitting on their heart.. we immediately want to fix it.

And how many of you have experienced the blowup that follows?

The accusations. The emotional spiral. The complete confusion of:

"I was just trying to help. What the hell happened?"

I don't know about you, but I got into a lot of trouble with my wife every single time I tried to fix the problem right away.

Here's why:

When your wife is emotional and sharing something vulnerable with you, and you go straight into fix-it mode..

.. you are meeting her emotions with your logic.

And that just doesn't work.

You are basically saying: “Whatever you are feeling doesn’t matter because I have a solution that makes the feelings go away.”

And in return:

She won't feel heard.

She won't feel seen.

And no matter how good of a problem solver you are, you will look like the idiot.

That's what it is. That's what it's always been. And we just have to work with it.

What I started doing in these emotionally charged conversations is simple.

Meet her emotions with your emotions.

Empathize. Express the compassion you genuinely have for her. Listen. Ask her how she feels about things. Make a real effort to understand her world from the inside out.

And then, once you feel like you've reached the core of what's going on.. you ask the question of all questions:

"Is there anything else?"

(That’s the moment you are showing balls. Let me explain.)

That question is not just about being thorough.

It's about showing her you are not fazed by her emotions. That you can hold all of it. That you are not running away from her depth.

You are meeting her infinite well of emotion with your full presence, your openness, and an invitation to go even deeper if there's more.

Here's something worth understanding about women: they work through things by talking about them.

You and I? We need time alone. A walk. Some time in nature. Maybe some wood to chop. And then we're good.

Women need to talk it out.

If you can meet that need with a genuine desire to understand her world, with real empathy and compassion.. you become her hero.

Or, you can keep trying to fix the problem.

I did that for over two years. Here's where it got me:

I became so good at fixing problems that by the end of a 90 minute conversation, my wife felt guilty for having feelings in the first place.

Why?

Because the solution was so logical, so obvious, so clean.. her emotions seemed irrational.

On top of that, here’s some more of what she felt about this:

She felt like I was treating her like a robot. She felt that what she was feeling didn't matter to me.

With every problem I “fixed”, I created a bigger one underneath it.

She started shutting down. She stopped talking. And then came the ultimatum.

“The only future I see is a separated one. If nothing changes, we will need to divorce and co-parent.”

If any of that sounds familiar.. here's the shortcut:

Meet her emotions with your emotions.

Shut the fuck up and listen.

Ask her questions until she has talked it all the way out.

Then ask: "Is there anything else you'd like to share about this?"

And once you've moved through all of that.. you can ask:

"Is there anything I can do to help you with this?"

If she says she doesn't know yet, simply tell her: "I'll circle back tomorrow."

Then actually do it. Because if you forget, you lose her trust. And trust, once broken, takes a long time to rebuild.

If she gives you something concrete you can help with.. make it your top priority. Get on it.

That's the shortcut.

Do you know a father in your circle who's out here fixing every problem and wondering why his wife is pulling away?

Send him this newsletter. Invite him to subscribe.

It might be the most useful thing you do for him this week.

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